#RedTableTalk: Toni Braxton

Watching the Red Table Talk with Toni Braxton made me reflect on my own marriage and subsequent divorce. Toni talked about the breakdown in communication. Her sickness. Financial stress. Feeling responsible for going out on the road to provide for the family. She discussed the resentment when they divorced and she was forced to pay alimony. They established this alimony payment in the prenup agreement prior to marriage.

Toni’s situation closely mirrored my own marriage. The day and age where the man is the primary provider has far been gone. It does cause resentment when we as women are responsible to be the providers financially and gasp pay alimony or child support. Look at the widely publicized cases of Toni Braxton, Halle Berry, Jennifer Hudson, Jill Scott and Mary J. Blige. All made substantially more money than their spouses and served as the primary provider for the household. Upon divorce, all the women were responsible for paying alimony and the social media community harshly criticized the men for receiving the payments. The question is: Why?

I believe society still makes us feel that the women being the primary breadwinner is wrong. Subconsciously even when we voluntarily enter into these marriages where our income is higher or we are the sole providers, we resent it. It doesn’t matter if the male spouse satisfies all other needs or provides us happiness and support in multiple other ways.

I have to own that feeling of resentment. I felt it deeply. It transpired into my marriage. It impacted the way I communicated with my husband. I lost a certain level of respect for my husband each month he remained unemployed or underemployed. He was my biggest cheerleader whenever I’d accomplish something major at work or in life. He was my best friend. He loved me immensely. He did everything that a husband was supposed to do, except provide. The resentment of him not financially contributing to the household built up. I shut down. Ultimately this led to the demise of our marriage.

Fast-forward to the divorce. Imagine having to pay your ex-husband alimony. No matter how “okay” we say we are it is not a good feeling. I left my marriage after my husband hit me. I told him from the beginning that domestic violence was my one dealbreaker and I meant it. I was active-duty military in the Air Force. Located on a military installation. The local police had no jurisdiction on a military base.

As the military member, I was responsible for the well-being of my spouse even though a police report was filed after the domestic violence incident. It didn’t matter that my ex-husband confessed to hitting me. The military issued a stay away order. This meant we were not allowed to stay in the same residence. The judge banned my husband from base, he was mandated to attend batterers intervention counseling, and given probation. I was still responsible to ensure he had adequate housing and was ordered to provide financial support to my husband.

Was I mad that I had to provide alimony? No. I understood my responsibility. Did I harbor resentment? Yes. I questioned the logic of providing financial support to the abuser. This was my reality and the reality for many women in uniform.

As active-duty military women we carried the weight of marriages on our shoulders. We served our country and many of us struggled to balance work and family life. There were military husbands that stayed home with the children and were the primary caretakers. This was used as leverage when going through divorces or separations. Military women faced judges that deemed them unfit mothers because they were on call for the military 24/7, worked shift-work or deployed. This was the reality of my military sisters who oftentimes didn’t have the financial means to pay substantial legal costs to fight custody or complicated divorce cases. It’s a dangerous situation as sometimes out of desperation to keep their children or fear of going through a messy divorce many military women felt the only choice was to stay in toxic marriages.

I made the choice to divorce. It was not an easy choice. My now ex-husband wrote on the divorce paperwork that he desired to receive couple’s counseling and wanted to remain married. I declined. For years I struggled with the guilt: Should I have stayed? I sought individual counseling for many years to heal. Divorce is not an easy process. It can take years to heal. Even when you are ready for the marriage to end you still go through a cycle of grief. Eventually, after many years, I forgave him and forgave myself. That was freeing.

Things I learned from my marriage and divorce:

• Put God First in the Marriage. Without a solid foundation the marriage will crumble.

• Communicate. Talk to your spouse openly. Don’t hold on to things.

• Seek Counseling. Ongoing counseling is important to getting over barriers and resolving marital issues.

• Surround yourself with positive and loving couples. It helps to have others around you that are in a healthy and happy space.

• Walk in your truth. Be honest and upfront with each other.

My Story of Survival and Courage

#TBT @simplyebony1 @success.creators #ThursdayThoughts #SimplyEbony #MyStory

Who was this woman four years ago? This woman had just transitioned from the Air Force a world she knew all her adult life. This woman had just launched her non-profit The Next Chapter and started her new position with the government. This woman fled her apartment in the middle of the night fearful of her life. Her abusive, manipulative, and controlling ex-boyfriend threatened to kill her and he was law enforcement. The police and courts failed to protect her. She spent years in court when her abuser refused to comply with the protective order. She lived every night in fear and had to leave her job, her apartment, and the life she knew to escape her ex-boyfriend who was not only abusive but a stalker. This woman was unemployed for four months trying to figure it all out. This woman never lost faith. This woman was in transition on the path to rebuilding her life. She found strength in her Sisters of Queen Esther at @fbcglenarden First Baptist Church of Glenarden. She joined @bosseduporg Bossed Up Courage Community! This woman found a community of Sisters with @emiliearies Bossed Up! This women kept a smile. She wasn’t deterred. She fought her way through her circumstances. She wasn’t a victim nor did she ever once ask for a hand out. She picked herself up. She leaned on her support system. She entered the Next Chapter of her life like a Boss! This woman is a survivor. This woman is ME.

Does My Abaya Offend You?

Let’s reflect on this. This picture is from the “Glow Photo Series: Philly Edition.” I purchased my Abaya in preparation for the Dubai Blackout trip last year. When I wear my Abaya I feel beautiful. I feel empowered. I feel LOVE.

Wearing my Abaya is a personal tribute to that little black girl lost that finally found herself. At 14-years old when I was raped I had on a similar outfit. It was Forest Green. Loose fitting. Long and flowing. Oftentimes when Rape victims share our stories the first question is: “What did you wear?” It’s classic “victim blaming.” The assumption is if you wear certain clothing (short skirts, tight jeans, revealing clothes, etc.) you are “asking to be raped.” This is FALSE!!! The truth: Rapists Rape. It doesn’t matter what you wear. Time of day. What you look like or any of the many assumptions people come up with to victim blame and shame. Unfortunately people still ask intrusive questions and think this way. If you do it please stop asking these questions it’s extremely offensive and insensitive. 😔😔😔

I’ve periodically posted pictures in my Abayas of various colors. I love the way they flow and enjoy the vibrant colors. Each time I post I get comments or inbox messages saying: Why did you wear that? You look fat in that garb. 😑 Are you Muslim now? 🤔 I’ve even been told I can’t dress and need a fashion consult because of my Abaya. 😫 It’s a shocking what people freely feel the need to say. It’s rude and offensive.

I proudly come from a predominantly Islamic family, it’s a large part of Philadelphia and our history. The Nation of Islam is very prominent in my city. I’m Christian. I’m troubled that it concerns others so much what religion I am or what I wear. Why? Why is it necessary to comment on someone else’s attire? Does my Abaya offend you? Are you uncomfortable that I’m comfortable being fully clothed in my garb? I love who I am and what the Abaya represents: Beauty, Confidence and Love. 💛💛💛

Story of Survival and Healing from Rape and Domestic Violence

I survived a brutal rape by a serial rapist at 15-years-old. My rapist, told the bystanders that it was a ‘domestic issue.’ I pleaded with them to help me yet they all watched me get raped. The rape was a defining moment in my life.

I enlisted in the United States Air Force (USAF) at 18-years-old. While overseas in the USAF, I eloped and married. My husband eventually became abusive. I filed for divorce from him after a year of separation.

Later in life, I found myself in another abusive relationship. I fought through the disappointment when the courts failed to hold my abusive boyfriend accountable. He continuously violated the protective order and stalked me at my place of employment and my home.

Through all of the trials that I faced, my faith never wavered. I separated from the USAF with an Honorable Discharge. I founded The Next Chapter, Corporation, a 501c3 non-profit, dedicated to empowering victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. I launched my second business, Success Creators to provide coaching for individuals and business development. Once I opened that door to healing and wellness, the doors opened for me to follow my passion and to help others.

#BossLadyMovesContest #Ford

#JusticeForShadowMcClaine

 #JusticeForShadowMcClaine This story truly breaks my heart. There are too many silent victims of domestic violence who have reached out for help yet their cries fall on deaf ears. There are too many murdered victims killed at the hands of their abusers. Shadow McClaine, a Fort Campbell soldier, was viciously sexually assaulted and murdered by her ex-husband SGT. Jamal Williams-McCray and his accomplice SPC Charles Robinson. McClaine originally went missing on September 2, 2016. Family and friends launched a tireless campaign to convince the Army to open an investigation and conduct a search to find her. McClaine’s skeletal remains were found earlier this year at the Maxey Road exit off Interstate 24, in Clarksville, Tennessee. The cause of death has not been disclosed.

Multiple charges have been filed against Williams-McCray and Robinson for the murder of McClaine, according to Fort Campbell officials. The two suspects are held in pre-trial confinement pending the outcome of the court-martial charges that include the following: Article 134 – kidnapping, Article 81 – conspiracy, and Article 118 – premeditated murder, under the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ). In addition, Williams-McCray has been charged with sexual assault, aggravated assault, and obstruction of justice. The preliminary hearing for all of the charges will be held later in the month.

Please view the original Crime Watch story for additional details: https://www.facebook.com/crimewatchdaily/videos/1509732555718198/

Maryland Women’s Legislative Briefing New Visions, New Voices: Charting the Course for Our Future

Today I plan to sit at the table with women throughout Maryland to discuss important legislation concerning us at the Maryland Women’s Legislative Briefing. It’s hard to have a voice if you don’t sit at the table. Rape laws matter. The Violence Against Women Act matters. Immigration laws matter. Equality in Pay matters. Family Medical Sick Leave and the minimum wage increase matters. These are all issues we’ve been fighting for years. These are topics we’ll be discussing today. How to push forward on these laws impacting women. Today we will establish “New Visions, New Voices: Charting the Course for Our Future.”

Get involved! If you are interested in joining the movement to chart our future here are steps that you can take:

Run for office.
* Volunteer to help a campaign.
* Apply for positions on the local Task Forces and the Commissions.
* Learn who your Congressional Representatives are and contact them to let them know how you feel about the Executive Orders. Find and contact your Representative here: http://www.house.gov/representatives/find/

Sincerely,

Ebony

The Face of Domestic Violence

The Face of Domestic Violence and Human Trafficking

The Face of Domestic Violence and Human Trafficking

#TriggerAlert #DomesticViolence #HumanTrafficking #Awareness #TheNextChapter

What does domestic violence look like? This woman Angela was a victim of human trafficking at the hands of her ex-boyfriend. She decided to leave. Her ex-boyfriend brutally attacked her with a metal nightstick from head to toe. He beat her severely, destroyed her laptop, took her phone and her money, and left her for dead.

Recent news coverage shows her abuser in court crying over his sentencing. He cared more about being locked away for his horrific actions than about the life of Angela. This is what Domestic Violence looks like.

Have you or someone close to you experienced domestic violence? Please share your story or inbox me to anonymously share your story. Leave words of encouragement for survivors.

To read previous news coverage of this story visit this link: http://www.ktnv.com/news/standoff-suspect-charged-with-attempted-murder

To support Angela and help with her mounting medical expenses visit here: https://www.gofundme.com/fckdomesticviolence

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